Why is it so much easier to get up and start your day when you are doing it for yourself? I never thought I would be a morning person, and trust me, I LOVE my bed, but for the last week, I have started getting up an hour before my family to enjoy the quiet, spend time on business, and now, spend time with God. I truly want to do that. For the first time...ever? I actually woke up excited about it today. Its curious to me, really. But I'm going to roll with it. I guess I am now a morning person. LOL
Yesterday I started a fundraiser for a local organization that works with the homeless. Their biggest need right now is for children's books because they need to have books there for kids at the center. Wait. Kids books? I can DO that! I can make a monumental difference with that! So, here I go and as I started posting and talking and asking, I was amazed that I have the power to be an influential person. People listen to me and look to me as an expert on certain things. Which, in my mind that is still convinced it belongs to a 22 year old girl, seems all sorts of crazy pants. But it also brings me back to my why. I don't think I finished that yesterday.
What is my legacy going to be? I don't know. I want it to involve people that I have helped to find joy. I don't want it to be because I was something for someone else. People, especially women, identify who they are based so much on the roles they play. I'm a mom, a wife, a daughter. I'm a book lady, an entrepreneur, a salesperson. I am a trainer, a leader, a good friend. But what of those do I want to be REMEMBERED for? I don't know that I have found that driving passion or life calling yet. I love being a wife. I love being a mom. But I don't think that that defines who I am.
Now, even as I say that I am feeling guilty. Like I am saying that my kids and husband don't matter as much somehow. But that isn't it at all. They are part of my breath. Without them there, I am not me. But that can't be all that defines me because at that point I am relying too much on THEM for my own worth.
I need to go back to the Psalms. Need to actually start pressing in to the fact that God knows literally the number of hairs on my head and when I sit and when I stand. And I need to not let that be words. I need to revel in the wonder that THE CREATOR OF EVERYTHING wants to have the permission to be a part of my every breath. Because He won't force His way in unless He has to. I have to be willing to open and listen. So I am going to try and dwell on that today and hope that as I get a little better at that, I will start to figure out my real purpose.