Yesterday I got to spend time with my best friend from high school. She's the kind of girl that no matter how much time has gone by, it feels like I just saw her yesterday because nothing changes in how we communicate or love each other. It is funny because I actually had to remind myself that she didn't know all of the things I have had going on because we haven't caught up in seven months because it was just so natural to fall into conversation with her. It was a great, soul exemplifying conversation. That lasted four hours and could have gone on for four more if I didn't have another appointment. I left with my heart full.
But as I went into my food therapy appointment, I was full and excited and ready to talk about all the things. And that is a great head space for me because when I am those things, I feel like I am more open to self realizations. This was no exception.
Here is the big one. I'm a theatre girl. I have been in the theatre world for most of my life, feeling often that being on in the middle of a stage is more home than most places. And I consider myself a decent actor, able to adapt and "put on" a character and to embody that idea of who this person is supposed to be. You begin to adapt and honestly change who you are slightly to understand that character better. When you play a demure flower of a character, you start to look through your own eyes in a more demure light; when you play a frantic and crazy character, you start to notice things that hadn't stood out to you before as you try to understand and embody this person. You put on that costume and who that person is supposed to be starts to bleed through to you.
I feel like I have been wearing a costume for 20 years. I feel like I have been impacted and changed and influenced by this character that I have been forced to play. I feel like I have been trapped in this costume of being heavy and that I haven't had the ability to take it off. It isn't really me, it is just a role I was forced to play by my PCOS, by my lack of metabolism. I tried to take off the costume, but I couldn't find a way out. It feels like this surgery is my zipper. That I will finally be able to remove this costume that has been holding me in one place so that I can find the real me again. A person that I don't even know what to expect because it has been so long. But when I think of myself and who I am, I do not identify in my mental space as an overweight or obese person. In my mind, I am athletic and energetic and I am still often so surprised at the things I am inhibited by because it doesn't really make that much sense to the me that I should be. Maybe this all sounds too ambiguous, but it really resonated with me.
I am looking forward to looking in the mirror and seeing myself. It isn't about being proud of myself, although that is part of it, but it is about recognizing myself. Seeing the person looking back and me and not thinking, WHO IS THAT?? I was not created to be this way. This was just a journey I was supposed to be on and a part I was supposed to play. but that performance is coming to a close. It is time for Act Two and I am so excited to see what can be accomplished!