Its about me.

As a mom, I often have to put myself aside. Like, MOST of the time, I have to put myself aside because otherwise I would have no control of the hoodlums I call my children. I am in charge of their everyday. And that is great, I know that this role of Mom is one that I was created for and I am reasonably sure I am pretty good at it about 43% of the time. LOL

But. There is very little room in there for ME. And even typing that is giving me anxiety to talk about because as a mom, as a woman, as a wife, as a Christian - I'm not supposed to just look at me. But if I am going to be honest and figure out why I am doing all of this, if I am going to go through with this VERY HARD THING and come out the other side feeling it was worth it and that I am fulfilled, I need to look at life for ME now. 

Why am I going to do this? What drives me? I answered that question when it came to my business not that long ago and found out that my big why is so that I can provide private Christian schooling for my kids and give them experiences to learn about the world. Who knew? But for this surgery, I haven't walked down that road yet. So, here we go. Tissues ready. 

My WHY: I am ready to be the person that I think of when I think of myself. I am shocked when I see pictures of myself or walk by a mirror. More so when I see the pictures, because for some reason, I don't see all the things in a mirror that I do in pictures. Its like there are blinders on or something. The shock of knowing how I felt when those pictures were taken and seeing what I looked like is always like a little bomb in my gut. For the 4th of July we had a little parade with all the kids in my parents neighborhood. It was adorable, but I was caught candidly in some of the pictures. And do you know what crossed my mind when I saw that? I thought to myself, "WHO IS THAT?" Because the girl that is in my head, who laughs easily and sings loudly and is the sparkle to a party, the athletic and strong momma that can carry both of her 45 lbs twins at the same time, the pretty and capable and tenacious woman that breaks sales records and works until she achieves her goals - that is NOT her in those pictures. So, my why, my main reason for doing this - I want to recognize myself again so that I can move on and start impacting other people. 

Why is my WHY important? My why is important because if I don't find that girl again and start being proud of who I AM, I don't know that I will have the foundation to teach my children that they are capable. If I can't do this and continue to fail, even after doing this VERY HARD THING, why would they believe me that they can do anything they put their minds to? I'm not credible. And I will have a far greater chance of not being here. I feel like in some ways I was dealt a raw deal when it comes to the PCOS and how it screwed up my metabolism. I know it isn't JUST that, but it has been the main source of failure for me. It sucks, really. TO have something that I continue to fail at time and again, when I'm not really that used to failing, has changed me., It has impacted who I became. And I am so excited to take that back. 

If I don't achieve my WHY, what will happen? Ugh. I really don't know, I guess I can refer back to the last section, but I know I will still be unhealthy and discouraged. I know there are other ways to lose weight, but I think I have tried most of them. I want this tool to be there to help me so that I am able to achieve the ability to see myself again. 

Okay, the kids just came in the door. I have to publish this and come back later, because real life doesn't wait and honestly, I'm a little stuck in what I am trying to say right now. I feel like it isn't hitting home and aren't the right words right now. Honesty, right?